Are You Inadvertently Judging Your Friends?


Being the self-proclaimed Queen of Words, I spend a lot of time thinking about words, the way they are used and what they mean.


One of my most hated phrases is: “I'm not gonna lie …” When people say it, I want to absolutely flip my lid. So, you’re lying about everything else you say? That’s why you felt the need to preface this ONE sentence because every other word out of your mouth is pure deceit!? Believe me, I know the people who utter this nonsensical phrase aren’t putting the level of thought into it I am, but it bugs me nonetheless.

It’s simply something people say to be impactful … I think.

However, the one other phrase that feels like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I’m quite convinced is completely judgemental, is a phrase I hear regularly among close friends and relatives.

“Okay, because I was going to say ..”

OMG. Don’t say.

Anything you were “going to say” is clearly laced with judgement.

Typically this phrase is used when someone either misunderstands or misconstrues what you were saying.

Here’s an example:

You say to a friend, “I had to leave my baby to go to the gym.”

The friend is stunned. “You left your baby!?”

“Yeah, I left her with the babysitter. It was really hard leaving her for the first time.”

“Ohhhh!! Okay, because I was going to say …”

Stop. Just stop.

Your friend didn’t LEAVE her baby. The baby wasn’t unattended. You heard one thing and she meant another. But the person still feels the need to say “I was going to say … you’re a really bad mother!”

Ouch. Really? You just had to say that?

You misunderstood the sentence and still felt the need to alert me you the judgement you were about to impress upon me. The judgement was ill-advised and misdirected.

Now I start wondering … am I a bad mother? What other ways have I been a disappointment today? And then your brain starts to spiral out of control.

Okay, maybe these spin outs down the rabbit hole of self-doubt are just me, but the judgement still exists.

Again, just like the first phrase, I don’t think people are being maliciously judgmental. But it’s a judgement you’re putting out there, and I think it’s unnecessary. Something I practice and I’m working to instill in my children is to speak kindly to others and to remember everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So leave your judgement at home and remember to speak with your heart.


Meet The Author

Contributing Writer

A lover of naps, Nordstrom and necessary pampering, Heather is also a passionate storyteller. The self-proclaimed Queen of Words spent her pre-baby days as a TV news producer. Now a mother of two independent little ladies, Heather’s desire to tell stories has lead her to publish her first children’s book “Caroline Girls” based on her own little Caroline. Baby Kate is proving to have quite a dynamic personality and will likely inspire future stories.

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